Your spouse or partner has completed their residential addiction treatment program and is ready to come home. The month you’ve spent without them has, hopefully, helped you gain clarity about what you want and need going forward. Maybe you’ve been fortunate enough to work with a therapist during this time, and that person may have helped you answer the tough questions you’ll face as you prepare for your partner to return home.
Questions to Prepare For Your Partner’s Return Home
Question 1: Do I want to stay in this relationship?
That’s a tough one. Everyone’s situation is different, and answers to this question will depend on multiple factors: the strength of the relationship, time in the relationship, the capacity of each partner to change, whether children are involved, and much more. But for many partners of people suffering from addiction, the question might revolve around the feeling of guilt. “If I don’t stay, my spouse/partner will drink himself to death.” Or “If I don’t stay, my partner will have no means to support herself…and will then relapse…and might overdose.” It’s very easy to imagine worst-case scenarios when it comes to addiction.
No one can tell you want to do, and no decision you make has to be permanent. But as you grapple with this question, consider a passage from Dr. Gabor Maté’s book, In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction: “Sometimes a person remains with an addicted partner for fear of the guilt they might experience otherwise. A therapist once said to me, ‘When it comes to a choice between feeling guilt or resentment, choose the guilt every time.’ Resentment is soul suicide.”
Maté explains that to accept someone does not mean to stay with them no matter how many promises they break or how often they hurt you with their rage or their lies. Acceptance means being okay with the person the way they are, not expecting them to be different or feeling resentful that they aren’t different.
Question 2: If I choose to accept my partner or spouse without trying to change them, what am I supposed to do with myself?
This question brings up an important point: many people stay in relationships with an addicted person because they feel they can help “fix” them. They like to feel needed. Also, they might enjoy, on some level, the feeling of being morally superior.
The answer to Question 2 is this: work on yourself. Go to therapy, and attend recovery support meetings designed for family members, like Al-Anon. Explore your role in your partner’s addiction and how it might serve to uphold your opinion of yourself and your purpose. Find a self-care routine that brings you joy, and find work that feels fulfilling.
Question 3: So…if I’m not responsible for my loved one’s recovery, how can I help them?
Your responsibility to your partner or loved one is as follows, starting with the DON’Ts:
- Don’t expose them to substances. Don’t have substances in the home, and don’t use substances in front of them.
- Don’t do things for your partner that they can do for themselves.
- Don’t try to manipulate them into taking care of themselves or behaving how you want them to. In other words, don’t try to manage their recovery.
- Don’t let resentment build up. Communicate clearly what you need.
And now the DOs:
- Give them space, and be patient with their fluctuating moods. They are navigating a huge life change, and their moods may vary from depression to frustration to elation. Give them time to settle into their new way of being.
- Realize that they may need to live differently in order to stay sober. They may need to avoid certain places or people you used to enjoy as a couple. They may need to look for a different job or go back to school. They may need to spend more time with the friends they meet in recovery. Accept that your relationship might need to change, and be open to couples therapy.
- Even though your loved one may need some extra space, they also need to know you care. Show your ongoing support by checking in with them every day. Ask them how they’re feeling. Share how you’re feeling.
- Be generous with praise. Help them celebrate their sober milestones. Express how proud you are of them for making sober choices day to day.
- Agree with them on a plan for what will happen if they relapse.
Question 4: How can I prepare our home for my loved one’s return?
Other than making sure your home is substance-free (this includes any kind of problematic substance–alcohol, marijuana, prescription opioids or benzos or stimulants, etc.), there’s not much you need to do, although the following options might be welcome:
- Create a self-care space, whether it’s a comfortable chair for reading or journaling, a space for meditation or prayer, or an area for yoga or exercise. Your partner is trying to learn how to manage their stress without alcohol or drugs, so provide some options that can help them relieve stress in a healthy way.
- Make sure the place where they sleep is conducive to rest. Let the bedroom be absent of technology, able to be darkened against outside light, clean, and comfortable.
- Clutter can be stressful, particularly if your loved one is prone to anxiety. Consider doing some decluttering before they return home.
Let Las Cruces Recovery Center in New Mexico Help
Recovery is challenging for everyone involved, not just the person who struggles with addiction. If you or your loved one is feeling stressed or overwhelmed in recovery, reach out to our team. We can help you decide what you need to get back on track.
